Sincerely, me
by theamazingfaust
Summary: Post Skins Fire. How do you cope with life after death ? How do you make it through ? Well, no one knows. No one really do, we just survive. Epistolary story, on how Emily, Effy and Katie reconstruct themselves after tragedy strikes. Keffy endgame.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hello again to you all. I can't seem to stay away from the skins fandom, and, starting this fic is probably not too wise as I have another going. But still, this is floating in my head and I need to get it out. This is a big risk as it's going to be an epistolary story. This isn't going to be happy and cheerful at first as it takes place right after Skins Fire, but.. You'll see. It may be a bit short, but it's to announce the story.**

* * *

_March 10th, _

Naomi, my dearest friend,

Apology is the first word that comes to my mind writing this. Sadness, the second as these are the last words I'll ever say to you. How I wish I didn't have to let you go. I realize that I will never get to see your face again. Will never have the chance to say goodbye. This is me, saying goodbye. I wish I could hold your hand, squeeze it, memorize it before letting it go but I'll have none of these chances. I'll settle for a letter in custody. Maybe I deserve it, maybe I don't.. I cannot be the judge of that anymore. But you sure don't deserve to die. You were like a soft light, a warmth that kept me together. Held me together. You were like this extended hand I could reach out to and I'll never be sorry enough that I failed to offer mine at the time you needed it the most.

I need you to know that you made my life easier. Brighter. In the six years we've known each others, I felt like I had this little ball of light inside me. This light that will never go out. If anything, it feels like a fire that fuels me. You made me stronger. You know, you made me want to live with this incredible desire to conquer. On pain, on death, on life. Today again, I have to get ready to fight with all I have, because I'm making this promise to you, that no matter where I am, no matter what restraint my body, this unperfect envelope of my soul, I'll look after her. I'll look after the other half of you.

My words to you are far from finished, never will be. You are my friend, a piece of myself, a piece of what I used to be and what I will become. You may fade away from my sight, my touch and my ears, but you won't fade from my mind and there you will live as long as I do.

Naomi, my dearest friend, my lovely companion. I have been honoured to share a bit of my life with you. I leave you for now, until our last goodbye.

I love you tenderly.

Farewell, Effy.

* * *

_April 1st, _

Love,

It is with the most serene mind that I lay these words down for you. As you're reading it, I might already be away. I am terribly sorry to let you go through this life without me. You and me, we are like this magnificent force that is unstoppable. I may be going, but my truest love, it doesn't stop just because I'm not here anymore. I'm passing my strength on to you, so you can be unstoppable without me. You have to push through. You were always the stronger one. You fought until the end for me. For us. I'm sorry I couldn't fight this.

You are the most beautiful, Ems. You were made out of perfection, carved into sweetness. I breathed desire out of your skin, and you were like my second oxygen. You ignited me with something that resembled raging fire, and for you I'd have braved mountains. You completed me, like I was missing something for so long. It's what they all mean, you know. _We fit_. We are made to complete each others and we have. I found it and you did too.

Now, I refuse to say goodbye to you. Because I'm not leaving you. I am yours for all eternity and death can't take that away from us. I'll live through you, because I like to think that I am partly responsible for the magnificent woman you've become, the one I am so proud of. The only one I have ever loved.

You make my heart swell Emily Fitch. Always have. Don't forget me.

I'll see you on the other side.

Naoms.

* * *

_April 5th._

Dear Effy,

Firstly, tell me in your next letter how you're doing in custody. I'll visit as soon as I can, yeah ? I know being back there is hard, especially after the funeral. I could have called but I don't trust myself enough not to cry. Not yet. Though I'd have liked to hear your voice. It's safer with words on paper. You know. So much has happened in the last few days. I feel like I'm numbed and the awakening, it's going to be rude. But I have to be strong for Emily. I have to be the stronger one. I'm scared to hell that she's going to crack under the weight of the loss. She's always surprised me but this is like nothing she ever had to go through.

Help me, please ? I still have troubles sleeping, the vision of the oak casket being lowered into the ground. The earth taking her back. Emily's hand so tightly gripped to mine while she's silently crying her heart out. You, on the other side, your hand so graciously tucked in mine. Sweet contrast with Emily's. Gina soft whispers of prayers for her dead daughter. How is any of this fair ? You're away in fucking prison, Naomi and Freddie are dead. Emily's dead inside. A part of her was burried underground, never to be found again.

How do we start to live again ? How did you ? How can I be the person I need to be for her, when I can barely be that for myself ? So many unresolved questions, that will probably never be. If only you could be here. As scared as it can be, I have never felt more safe than when you hold my hand. More surprisingly, I never felt more strong than when you kissed me. And I never felt more brave than when I kissed you back.

Can we really blame it on the grief ? That I can't answer yet. And it is kind of scary.

Hope I hear from you soon.

Be well, Katie.


	2. Chapter 2

_To open on April 10th,_

My sweetest Emily,

Love is like the wind. The one you hear with your skin, you feel with your heart. It brushes against you and stabs you at the same time. It caresses you, invades your clothes. It eats your reason, feeds off your conscience. Unseen, with its prettiest assets, it comes on the ball of its feet, with small steps, it attacks you where you don't expect it.

For me, it came a night of May. I felt it along my arms, enveloping me with its warmth. Like this, at the bottom of a look. I saw you, and if I knew I wouldn't have stopped my trip to the Elsewhere. But I touched you silently with my eyes, and the biological alarm of my heart tripped. You bounded me with your chains, made me come to you, and you took control. Oh how I loved letting myself submit to your wishes. The sweet torture of being devoted, being yours. '' Goodnight '', you only said, and at your feet I dropped all my weapons, my armor and my clothes. A light breeze was rising on my life. I saw my Elsewhere go, go away.

Then you pulled me along, your hand in mine you made all the Earths turn. We were dancing now, I could almost get warm with your closeness. Our breaths danced their own dance, I reinvented your smiles and you taught me desire. We were all alone in the microcosm of our embrace. The wind was blowing in our eternity.

It's tripping that we found each others, a little confused, a little drunk. Drunk on novelty, knowledge, gratitude. Drunk on discovery. It's your body that I discovered, that I tamed. You emptied my words of all meanings. I didn't mean anything. You stole my language. You gave me the silence of this perfect moment. It froze me, excited me, sublimated the atmosphere. I sublimated you with my hands and in the night all noises stopped. All my thoughts of Elsewhere vanished. There was gusts of wind in my heart, they lifted the sheets and shattered the course of time. Elsewhere, you said ?

But with the wind, came the storm, and soon enough, the thunder pierced the silence and tore our beauty. We ran away, with long strides, made our lungs burn. Until the end we hid. Hid from this terrible curse, the one that dooms love, that threaten passion. The one that never warn, doesn't knock before entering. The one that's here, in the corner of the room, the corner of your heart, unseen. And suddenly, appears, like a slap in the face. The violence of reality, our truth. The one that caught us. It was too late, we were already prisoners, made dirty with early sentence. The rain was falling, the silence was broken. The pieces of these words were plashing, crashing on the ground and echoing in my head, shouting the sad truth : It was time to go back on the road, joining this Elsewhere that weren't promising anything at all.

Love is like the wind. It pushes you, it comes along. It guides you in the long dance that is life. It breathes through your lungs, makes you throb and shake with pain. Makes you live. For a brief moment only, a brief moment of purity that you can't keep. You know it, you must go on.

With my greatest love, Naoms.

* * *

_April 10th_

Naomi,

It feels weird to be the only one to get letters. The thought of getting letters from you alone is weird. Weirdly comforting, painfully so. I can't say if I'm incredibly grateful of if I am incredibly more hurting. Maybe a bit of both ? I'm not ready to let you go yet, but, how can I forget ? So I write back. You deserve all the words I can give you, and somewhere in my heart I hope you can hear them.

You kissed all the air out of my lungs. Plunged your claws to my rib cage and ripped. I feel breathless. Out of air, out of myself. Spent and tired of being. Like the curse of silence. This unnerving, tensed, heavy silence that weight on my shoulders. The ultimate burden, the one I'll have to carry for the rest of my life. I can't see it, left with no choice but to feel it. It crushes my bones and smothers my muscles. I'm angry. With you, with me. With the feeling itself. I'd like not to feel it anymore but it's clinging. Wrapped around my body. It goes with the burden you know.

Going from day to day seems to be too easy. I wait for the time to go away and I waste it unashamed. With you I buried my desire of enjoying life. I buried the smiles, the laugh, the meanings behind my eyes. I don't want them back if I don't share them with you and suddenly, I can't forgive myself for choosing to leave you behind one day and not sharing myself on a daily basis. If I wasted my life back then why not now ? Nothing matters anymore and everything's just nothing. The world has turned into a succession of useless moments.

I feel cold and numb. Alone. And at the back of my heart, I know that I will never be warm again. You left me and yet, I can't bring myself to be anymore mad at you. You left and I have regrets. Regrets and shame of going away, of deciding that we'd have time later, to enjoy. That something in this world was more important than you. Where is my time now ? I feel ashamed of myself. Resentful. I resent myself. I resent Effy, still. I shouldn't, I know. But I need someone to blame, and I can't always be the one at fault. I can't take it. I can't blame you because you are no more. So I blame her. I need a culprit for this and in this fight, I need god as my ally.

I'm entering the biggest fight of my life, not sure if I'll make it alive. What I'm sure of is I'm never going to make it in one piece as I already lost a bit of myself.

Tomorrow, I'll put those words down on your grave, waiting for life to run it's course.

Your beloved wife, Emily.

* * *

_April 14th_

Katiekins,

Hello again,

I am glad to inform you that my lawyer successfully attempted to get me minimum time, so I'll be away a few months only. Seven, at the tops, maybe less. My deposition helped my case, and they played the nut card, which pissed me a little but I couldn't say no, could I ? So I went along with it, and told them how he reminded me of my dead boyfriend and how I would do anything for him. How I went crazy, and I cried a little. Not all of it totally wrong you know ? He did reminded me of him. Some kind of weird projection of what we could have been until I realized he was never a fifth of the man Freddie was.

He dropped me like nothing. Freddie would have fought. He would have never dragged me into this in the first place, but I missed him and let myself be played by this tosser. I miss him still. I miss him everyday and it hurts. It never goes away you know ? The pain. And now I wonder, what is the most painful. Having the brutal and unexpected announcement of your loved one passing, or knowing for months, and watching them fade away from you. Excruatingly slowly, without anything you could have done. Feeling yourself loosing them, getting appart.

I could never imagine what Emily has to go through. But then again, I kind of do. But you'll be strong as always because you're a force of nature and I'll be there every step of the way. You needn't worry about it because by fall, I'll be out of this place and by your side to fight this never ending war that is life.

So I kissed you. Like a sweet interlude to this war. Or, an offensive move ? I still haven't decided. I kissed you because I was sad and needy. But pretending it to be the only reasons is foolish and everybody knows that you can't fool Katie Fucking Fitch. So I won't try, but I can't tell you why I did it as I don't know myself. All I can tell, is that it left me safe and warm. And I never stopped thinking about it since it happened.

You're the sweet memory that keeps me going and compells me to keep on living.

May my thoughts follow you, Effy.

* * *

_April 19th_

Effy,

Emily is just a shell of herself and I feel like I'm going mad. I don't have faith anymore. I guess I never have had faith, but my beliefs stood were Emily and Naomi stood. They were my only hope of good happening in this life and now, this is gone too. Emily's shattered from the inside, and Naomi's isn't here to fix her. I'm supposed to know her, but how could I ? I need something to believe in again. Because they were what I believed in. I guessed I never told you, but they got married, early one morning, before Naomi passed.

hey sealed their love only to shatter it after. Now, Emily's a widow. What does that make me ? I feel like drowning. I need you. I need you to make me believe, to give me hope and faith.

Please, come back to me. I don't have the strength to say anything else.

Tiredly, Katie.


End file.
